JOE: The metaphor, don't make a bed in a burning house. What does that mean? RICH: I don't know, I sleep on the couch.

Snoring too Loud

RICH: Neighbor said you snoring too loud. Keeping her up at night. JOE: I'm not snoring too loud, just dat da walls is too thin. RICH:  Joe, she's 3 stories above us in Apt. 5B. JOE Tell her to close her window den. Sound travels, yo. RICH: Just get help, son.  

Shitzu Love

JOE: Why everytime you come home, you giving the Shitzu all the loving but den you looking at me all sideways? LISA: All you did was stay on dat couch all day and watch TV. You aint do nuthin around da house while I was at work. JOE: Muffy aint do nuthin either. LISA: Muffy's a dog. JOE: So am I... at least according to you, yo.

Answer Da Door

RICH: Someone was buzzing da bell dis morning? JOE: Yeah, I didn't answer it, though. RICH: Why? JOE: I don't answer da door when I'm in my drawers, yo. RICH: But you was up, son. JOE: Thought it was da exterminator or somthn. RICH: You don't think we got bugs, Joe? JOE: Do we...? RICH: I got a package from FEDEX suppose to be coming; if I got a missed delivery slip on da door, you goin to get it, son.

I Engaged the Baby Sitter

RICH: You can't be serious, you got engaged to Ellie? JOE: Yeah,son... so what. RICH: Son, your baby sitter. Don't you think that's a little, you know; weird. JOE: No, she 21. RICH: Yeah but you knew her since she was 16. JOE: Yeah and now she 21, yo. RICH: Whatever, son. Wait till Lisa hear about this. JOE: WHat she goon say, we aint together no more. RICH: Joe, you do understand that when you and Lisa were together, it was Lisa that hired Ellie to watch yall daughter, right? JOE: Um, yeah, don't tell Lisa, Rich, please. Lemme move out your crib first. THat way she can't find me.

Hole Socks

RICH: U was at Mike's Football Party? JOE: Yeah. RICH: What hapn? JOE: He told everybody 2 take off dey shoes. I said I got holes in my socks. Mad chicks dere & all dat. So he say aight. Next thing I know, every word dat come out his mouth is like referencing holes. RICH: Like what? JOE: U no; Hole this, Hole dat... Hole up, Hole snap. Like he trying 2 play me. Chicks start laughing. So I socked him, yo. No pun intended.

On your Knees Bit@%!

JOE: I think Im gonna propose 2 dis chick today but I dont wanna get on my knees 2 do it. RICH: Finally someone mans up. JOE: I, I, I... I was gonna lay down & do it. RICH: What!

Dreams...

RICH: Why you gotta subscribe to Robb Report and Luxury Lifestyle Magazines? JOE: Cant a brother dream, yo? RICH: Dream or Fantasize? Order Home Depot, Crate & Barrel or something. JOE: Let me be, Rich. RICH: I have, Joe and look where you at. On my couch going on 2 years. JOE: You want me to leave! RICH: Yes. JOE: Aight cool, gimme a year, yo. RICH: What! Go to Rich and Joe community page on Facebook.

Drinking out the carton, yo

RICH: Someone slipped a note under our door. JOE: What it say? RICH: Says "Rich, ur nasty roommate drinks out of da cartons of juice at night. Watch him" JOE: WTF! Who wrote dat? RICH: Is dis true, son? JOE: Who wrote dat, yo? RICH: I dont no, Joe. We got 3 alleys & 6 windows surrounding us. Whoever can see our kitchen coulda wrote it. Now is it true? JOE: Dey lying, yo. I use a cup den wash it. RICH: Yeah its true

Funky Ass Subway Ride

JOE: Yo man, NYC subways are crazy I aint taking da train no more. RICH: What hapn? JOE: 2 Train a lil crowded. So a normal looking woman gets on. I get up & offer her my seat. No what dis chick do? RICH: What? JOE: Squat down & smell da seat. She stand back up talkin bout no thanx, u got a Funky A#$. RICH: Say word. She crazy. But ummm... did u wash dis morning? JOE What, yo!

There's a girl in my bed, yo

RICH: Son, there's a girl in my Bed. JOE: Oh damn, I thought u was staying at Lisa's. RICH: Even if I was; dat don't give u da right 2 violate my private space, yo. U got a stranger lying where I put me head. JOE: Chill Rich, its a female, yo; how bad can dat be? RICH: Joe, her feet is where my head be at & she got both my pillows crunched btwn her legs. I dont no dis chick, son. JOE: Me either, I met her at Mars 2112.

Who stole da Ciroc?

RICH: U went 2 Kev's 2 play spades last nite? JOE: Yeah he had a card party. RICH: He called me dis morning. Somebody stole a 64 oz. bottle of Ciroc Red out his crib. JOE: He think I did it? RICH: He just asking around. Did U? JOE: Man it was like 40 people in his house. Why he asking U about me? RICH: Joe, did u? JOE: Mike was there. Jojo & his cousin. Larry. RICH: Yeah, U took it. Jello shots tonite, son or I'm dime'n you out. JOE: Okay, yo.

Job Interview Facebook Fail.

JOE: How'd ur Job interview go? RICH: Didnt get it. JOE: Sorry 2 hear that. What hapn? RICH: Some idiot posted a pic of me on Facebook posing wit 2 guns in my hand & a joint in my mouth. JOE: Cant B ashamed of ur past, yo. RICH: Son, did I give u permission 2 post me online? JOE: It was just a picture from 87' aint no harm in that. RICH: The job was 4 a Brinks armored car guard, yo; and U tagged me idiot!. JOE: They saw that? RICH: What!

Big Dreaming

JOE: You seen dat new 7 series BMW? RICH: U seen dat new $2.50 Metro card? JOE: Damn Rich, can't I dream? JOE: Sure, dream; just don’t fantasize. JOE: Theres a difference? RICH: Sure it is. People dream of goals dey can actually reach. JOE: So me dreamin about a white on white interior BM is out of my reach? RICH: Yeah, son. U should be dreamin about a # 2 or 3 train wit clean seats & a working intercom. JOE: F.U, yo

No double dating tonight

JOE: You goin 2 da movies? RICH: Yeah. JOE: Wit who? RICH: Rachel from Washington Heights. JOE: To see What? RICH: Inception; midnight show. JOE: She bringing her cousin? RICH: Yeah, and forget it; I asked already and she said no. JOE: Asked what? RICH: Can I bring my cousin. JOE: Why she say no? RICH: Dont take this personal son, but she said you a low life. JOE: What! Why? RICH: Said she saw you at Club Shadows steal a girls drink off the bar. JOE: Man, whateva, yo. RICH: You not even gonna deny it, son? JOE: Huh?

Ex-Girlfriend...

JOE: Would u mind if I dated an X-Girlfriend of yours? RICH: Depends on how long ago we dated. JOE: Ten. RICH: 10 Years, months or weeks? JOE: 10 days. RICH: 10 days ago. Hell Yes! JOE: But you wasn't feelin her, yo. RICH: Have some respect, son! JOE: I waited a week and a half, yo. RICH: What!

Rent-a-Car

JOE: Rent a car 4 me? RICH: Why? JOE: Hertz wants credit cards. RICH: They take Debit 2. JOE: Yeah but u gotta have $500 on ur card. RICH: Son u dont have a valid license. JOE: Dats why I want u to rent it 4 me. RICH: In my name? JOE: Yeah, yo. Just for one day. RICH: Why, son? JOE: Shorty from Canada coming in. Told her I bought Buick LaCrosse. RICH: Suppose u get stopped & arrested for driving without a license. JOE: I'm not. Im a use ur Name & your ID. RICH: Hell no! JOE: SHe got a cousin coming with her. RICH: How she look. JOE: Stacey Dash, yo. RICH: Here...

Chess not Checkers

RICH: Why don’t you like checkers? JOE: In checkers anyone can become King. It just don't seem fair. RICH: And chess? JOE: King is born a King till he dies. Got a queen by his side ride'n or die'ing for him. got pawns, horsemen. All ready to sacrifice their life for him. RICH: You like that? JOE: Yeah, Its honorable, yo.

Wash and Rinse

JOE: Explain 2 me the term "What don’t come out in the wash, come out in da rinse? RICH: If u been doing dirt, then you try to get yourself cleaned up. You still might be a lil dirty. Thats when you around people and they see you still got issues. JOE: So the wash is like strangers around you and rinse is like your close friends? RICH: Yeah. Seeing that you still really on that BullS#@T. JOE: Is there a way to cover the dirt, yo. RICH: Yeah, Polo cologne.